Send me victorious, while I'll send for you as and when I need you

The Sopranos

Not only are we blessed to have our loving and benevolent Queen to care for us at times of national importance, but the bejeweled one is giving YOU the opportunity to work at Buckingham Palace.

Of course, such is the honour that there are those who would be willing to do so for nothing. Which is handy, seeing as her suitably gracefulness has decided to offer you the mouth-watering prospect of zero-hour contracts, meaning you could earn as much as £0.00/nothing during the course of your employment, rising to a possible £0.00/zilch, upon completion of satisfactory performance. 

If this doesn't yet strike you as being overly generous, her altruism unboundedness also insists that you must ask her permission before taking a second job elsewhere. Presumably her royal altitudiness doesn't want you exhausting yourself elsewhere while she decides whether or not to throw a bit of work your way. 

Such generosity, such beneficence. And don't forget, if you are lucky enough to get a pay packet from her highness, part of your taxes will go straight back to keeping her and her

family in the Y-fronts and knicker elastic to which they've become accustomed. WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. 

What Tony Soprano would call racketeering, we call the civil list. Oh, by the way, you'll be paid just above the national minimum wage, such is her majesty's famed frugality.Not that anybody could ever say our beloved Queen doesn't deserve our gratitude. What other British fetish could we possibly find for politicians and media types to fawn and slobber over. The sight of the BBC's Nicholas Witchell in full arse-licking mode is a joy forever...